I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
do herpes really smell.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
