She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
