someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
