He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A bitchslap is in order.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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