by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
