allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wanna go halves on a baby?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
