The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
