Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
