shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
