She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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