You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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