I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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