he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
