turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
