It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
