You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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