The maid of honor just puked.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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