Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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