Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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