cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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