I wish you could order shots online.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
