Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
