Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
