John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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