you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
