I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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