Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
