Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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