I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
