Acid is not a monday night drug
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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