I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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