when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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