I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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