yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
