So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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