I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
