everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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