I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
