haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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