my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
