What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
