I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
