No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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