i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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