my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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