my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
