i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It's blow job season.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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