just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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