I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
