I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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